Yeah... I feel like one of those kids toys that runs around bangin' off the walls heading off in another direction only to get as lost as a blind man in a corn maze!
A little wandering philosophizin'... You might could have a difficulty following my trail... I sure as hell am!
The more things change the more they stay the same... Which is me... I've been a Nomad since the first thing I can remember. Never been satisfied or content where I was. Always looking at the far horizon... Hungering for movement and change... And not Only with my carcass but in all sorts of ways... Just a Nomad clear to the bone.
Made a small comment that opened up a pretty philosophical conversation with my daughter today. We got to talking about the idea that ever'body has a path...
That idea, a predetermined path, has always got wedged cross-ways in my craw. One of the many things that has a way of coaxing me to bite my nose to spite my face.
We pretty quickly whittled out the determination that it's not quite that way. My feeling is that ever'body has a "Thing" they want to pursue... a passion or a need... and they head off for it... only to run headlong straight into LIFE... PHHHHHWHAPPPP!!!
Yup. Just about the time you got it all figgered... that ol' saw about "LIFE is what happens when you're makin' plans" rears up its un-pretty face and tosses you a curve ball... Only, here's the tricky part... Lot's of times that curve ball isn't actually real... and sometimes it is.
The trick of course is conjuring up which is which out of the dust and mists that blind you in the storm that is that "Curve Ball."
Then of course, Ego comes a flyin' in there, just because it all wasn't convoluted and tangled up enough...
So... there you (I) sit... whupped and bloody... face down in the dirt. You get up, brush off the dust with the arm that ain't broke...turn around the way you were goin'... and start pushin' on again, one more time. Over and over you stand up from another beat down and push on again... because, You ain't a quitter... Right? So you just keep throwin' good effort after failed, unable to get your nose up out of the dirt long enough to see that somewhere along the line you got clean off the road you had set out to explore! That place where when you look back, you truly felt yourself to be in the right and proper place.
You even repeat those words over and over trying to convince yourself to keep on... because you invested so much sweat, blood and tears into it that you can't stand the idea of it failing or the embarrassment
Uh Huh... so, Daughter and I is talkin'... and we come to understand in there that sometimes that "Nudge" you feel is the Boss... seeing that you got Diverted and lost from what was your chosen and good path. The path that feeds that personal need you have in your soul. He doesn't choose your path for you. He can see the train wreck you're headed for and only tries to nudge you back onto the good way you'd chosen for yourself in the first place. The path that you lost in all the confusion of life.
And, maybe so, some of those "Nudges" you feel calling you a different way is another guy NOT the Boss. And they aren't Good nudges. There's no other way to say it. They are nudges that come with - Evil intent- That feller is masquerading as the Boss, or that no good lil' troublemaker Murphy... Just whispering in your ear trying to trick you into stepping away from the good and proper way you'd chosen for yourself.
All that nudging and whisperin' in the dark kinda gets an old buster cross-eyed. You feel that dream you had slipping away and can't see the reality through the smoke and dust of the struggle.
I've especially struggled and strove the past two years and more. With each battle to overcome I've stood back up a little bit farther
from that place where I felt content. Where before the knocks and hits were just things you had to deal with... this past few years the hits drained my spirit and soul.
I've been losing ground steadily...
Well, this morning I somehow wandered without intention to a couple of posts I wrote back in the summer of 2013... That year was the absolute best of any of the last many. Twas after that where ever' damn thing blew up all to hell... and I mean EVERY thing.
Then I got "Nudged" to read Mark's blog and BaWHAP! Rubber mallet up side the head time... and right here is where I went inside and made my comment to daughter... Who got a grin on her face and started in about "Everybody has a path"... which truly, she's been poking me with a little bit before now...
So... when you find you got lost, diverted, confused... seems like the best thing to do would be to turn 'round about and go find that last spot where you still knew where you were; Don't it?
I am still sorting through all the nudges. Making two piles. The one's that turned out to be "Something or Someone" selling me a line of fertilizer... and the one's talking straight.
One thing that was good, was and is this blog and the website it's part of...
Yeah... I'm hunting that last good spot where I wasn't lost...
I'm glad to see someone else understands that all 'nudges' are not from the good guy ... Murphy is laughing his ass off around every corner.
The roller coaster of life can be rough...sending hugs, my friend. All I got right now...
Yah, I can relate to finding the path, keeping adventure in your life, even though, given my health, my 'adventures' tend to a lot less exciting than Mark's!
What I have learned about the ups and downs of depression..it is mostly biochemical and for most of us there is a quick and easy fix to be found at your local vitamin supplement aisle or internet store. What to buy is the mineral supplement chromium picolinate. It evens out your blood sugar levels but even better yet it is nature's best anti-depressant. It is totally amazing and a shame more people don't know about it. You don't feel drugged because you are not, it is just giving you back what was lacking and causing all those moody blues because of the lack. 800 to 1,000 mcg (microgram) is about the right amount for most people for knocking out the moody, and irritable blue fugue. Exactly the kind of thing I see you dealing with the last few years. The next day after the first time you take it you will likely be feeling pretty darned good with life without feeling high, edgy or any other thing emotion except your own real true self. You don't feel drugged because it is not a drug. No hype advertising gimic associated with it, it is just a basic mineral supplement the way iron, calcium, etc are. I would call it a basic building block mineral essential for a happy life.
If you are a diabetic on medication do not take it without your doctor's approval.
With all the twists and turns and bends in the road of life, it matters not how far off course we get, so much as that we are once again headed in the right direction.
I love your journey, though...I truly do. There's lessons for all of us in there that help lessen the bumps in our paths.
The twists n turns are naturally difficult but you will make it.. is beat harvest on, decision on Cora, the Arizona hideout?
Have missed your posts. Be safe
Karin'; I appreciate your thoughts. Too much and too personal to debate here... but, for many, most even, it is not a pill or a supplement, or a "Therapy" they need but the erasure of events in their lives. To NOT be scarred by those events is to be possessed of a weak and sightless spirit. That; to not walk around all happy and pretending is not accepted in this society, I understand. I am who I am for the reasons I am... I won't make excuses for me. I submit, quite arrogantly Many will think I am sure, that it has nothing to do with chemistry or genetics. What I carry (and all those like me)for a few decades, from what I have seen and known... most couldn't lift off the ground. It has to do with visions and experience that are tattooed on my brain and through which all following experience is seen. You get beaten low... eventually you manage to regain your feet. You dust off and then one foot after the other you start off again.
Mark; "There's lessons for all of us in there that help lessen the bumps in our paths". ... For your words So. Many. Thanks. observations like this give a man self worth and reason to keep on keeping on.
Stymie; I have not heard different so I am still planning and NEEDING to work the beet harvest. Cora is in Missouri with me and will remain under my guard, one way or the other... I am not one to abandon those I've accepted responsibility for. The arizona hidout??? That one I can't tell... since I have no friggin' Idea! BUUUUUT! Decisions ARE percolatin' and coming along... Working on another post right now...
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