Yeah... I feel like one of those kids toys that runs around bangin' off the walls heading off in another direction only to get as lost as a blind man in a corn maze!
A little wandering philosophizin'... You might could have a difficulty following my trail... I sure as hell am!
The more things change the more they stay the same... Which is me... I've been a Nomad since the first thing I can remember. Never been satisfied or content where I was. Always looking at the far horizon... Hungering for movement and change... And not Only with my carcass but in all sorts of ways... Just a Nomad clear to the bone.
Made a small comment that opened up a pretty philosophical conversation with my daughter today. We got to talking about the idea that ever'body has a path...
That idea, a predetermined path, has always got wedged cross-ways in my craw. One of the many things that has a way of coaxing me to bite my nose to spite my face.
We pretty quickly whittled out the determination that it's not quite that way. My feeling is that ever'body has a "Thing" they want to pursue... a passion or a need... and they head off for it... only to run headlong straight into LIFE... PHHHHHWHAPPPP!!!
Yup. Just about the time you got it all figgered... that ol' saw about "LIFE is what happens when you're makin' plans" rears up its un-pretty face and tosses you a curve ball... Only, here's the tricky part... Lot's of times that curve ball isn't actually real... and sometimes it is.
The trick of course is conjuring up which is which out of the dust and mists that blind you in the storm that is that "Curve Ball."
Then of course, Ego comes a flyin' in there, just because it all wasn't convoluted and tangled up enough...
So... there you (I) sit... whupped and bloody... face down in the dirt. You get up, brush off the dust with the arm that ain't broke...turn around the way you were goin'... and start pushin' on again, one more time. Over and over you stand up from another beat down and push on again... because, You ain't a quitter... Right? So you just keep throwin' good effort after failed, unable to get your nose up out of the dirt long enough to see that somewhere along the line you got clean off the road you had set out to explore! That place where when you look back, you truly felt yourself to be in the right and proper place.
You even repeat those words over and over trying to convince yourself to keep on... because you invested so much sweat, blood and tears into it that you can't stand the idea of it failing or the embarrassment
Uh Huh... so, Daughter and I is talkin'... and we come to understand in there that sometimes that "Nudge" you feel is the Boss... seeing that you got Diverted and lost from what was your chosen and good path. The path that feeds that personal need you have in your soul. He doesn't choose your path for you. He can see the train wreck you're headed for and only tries to nudge you back onto the good way you'd chosen for yourself in the first place. The path that you lost in all the confusion of life.
And, maybe so, some of those "Nudges" you feel calling you a different way is another guy NOT the Boss. And they aren't Good nudges. There's no other way to say it. They are nudges that come with - Evil intent- That feller is masquerading as the Boss, or that no good lil' troublemaker Murphy... Just whispering in your ear trying to trick you into stepping away from the good and proper way you'd chosen for yourself.
All that nudging and whisperin' in the dark kinda gets an old buster cross-eyed. You feel that dream you had slipping away and can't see the reality through the smoke and dust of the struggle.
I've especially struggled and strove the past two years and more. With each battle to overcome I've stood back up a little bit farther
from that place where I felt content. Where before the knocks and hits were just things you had to deal with... this past few years the hits drained my spirit and soul.
I've been losing ground steadily...
Well, this morning I somehow wandered without intention to a couple of posts I wrote back in the summer of 2013... That year was the absolute best of any of the last many. Twas after that where ever' damn thing blew up all to hell... and I mean EVERY thing.
Then I got "Nudged" to read Mark's blog and BaWHAP! Rubber mallet up side the head time... and right here is where I went inside and made my comment to daughter... Who got a grin on her face and started in about "Everybody has a path"... which truly, she's been poking me with a little bit before now...
So... when you find you got lost, diverted, confused... seems like the best thing to do would be to turn 'round about and go find that last spot where you still knew where you were; Don't it?
I am still sorting through all the nudges. Making two piles. The one's that turned out to be "Something or Someone" selling me a line of fertilizer... and the one's talking straight.
One thing that was good, was and is this blog and the website it's part of...
Yeah... I'm hunting that last good spot where I wasn't lost...