In The Blink of an Eye...

Everything changes...

Something as simple as putting a foot wrong can have catastrophic effect. As my world crumbled around me the past year or so I fought for a new vision... a new... Life.

That's torn up now.

Dreams die hard and leave a great aching void behind when they go.

The VA... contrary to what that man in D.C. claims is not "fixed". It never will be.

Busted this shoulder up two weeks ago. Took nearly a week just to get through their phone tree to make an appointment. There's an appointment now for an MRI... more than two weeks from now... a month and some AFTER the injury - just to get a diagnoses... and they say "World Class Medical Care" - Their words - in their phone message while you wait for someone to answer...

Yeah right... well... I don't have much inclination to wait. Sitting here, feeling trapped is not doing anything good for what's left of my mind and spirit.

Motion in all directions has come along in my arm... if only 20% or so... but it's slowly healing without their non-treatment so I believe that's the way forward there... so I just move along.

There's a deal working if it all comes together. Any building or such here at Cochise is done and suspended. I'm likely going to Missouri, to spend some time at my daughter's place while I heal up some.

Heal up and regroup. See if I can see the way forward from another slap down. It took a year and more to dig into this hole... it'll be some time clawing my way back out.

- Brian

Living in Denial... or ... Facing Up to Reality

Yep... putting on my Walt Disney, big boy pants and living in denial, with my pretend happy face on... and ignoring reality  by "thinking positive" so those looking for mind candy aren't offended.

Had some fun the other day. Was climbing up on the truck to deal with a small issue with my flaky generator. Slipped, lost my grip, lost my balance and stepped back. Had an exciting trip to the ground... landing on my right elbow.

Not so bad. Gee! That was fun!

Of course... now my right arm doesn't work. As in the shoulder is frozen because it separated and also tore up the rotator cuff some. But, I needed a New Challenge! Right? And just in time.

Working colts with one arm is a piece of cake! I'll just think positive and pretend it's all good!

VA emergency took their xrays... now waiting on that fine Federal Medical System to schedule an MRI to determine just how involved the fun and excitement is going to be__ as in__ is surgery required? I do hope so. I SO want to lay around a hospital getting cut on while my horses stand out on the desert waiting for someone to feed them.

Well GEE... isn't THAT positive thinking?!

Let's see... it took nigh on to 18 months in 1975 when I busted that shoulder for it to get back to the "new" 100%... but now, what with 40 years of experience and all... I should be able to heal a Lot Quicker! Right?

Yeah... about that... this old cowboy is screwed. Sorry if that's not positive enough for some folks... but I am quite POSITIVE that I am Quite Screwed. Reality has a way of smacking the playtime nonsense out of your head.

And if recognizing that reality often sucks... and that if for some guys, for reasons unknown, it sucks too damned often... offends you? Tough Nuts.

This isn't about pretending life is all sweetness and light. The life I've lived through has had a lot more struggle and strife than sweetness. Sorry that offends... but it's the damned reality. No way to sugar coat it. No way to ignore or deny it... or any inclination to do that so sensitive disney purists aren't upset.

But I've kept on going... when a lot of others quit and rolled their beds. Of course, that isn't good enough for some folks. It must be done in the manner they dictate. With the phony smile that living in denial brings.

You want sweetness and light make believe? go find Hillary. I'm quite sure she'll sell you all that lying BS you want. I don't have time for that mental pablum...

... so those with the inclination for put downs... save it...

I've got the realities of this life, Running Against the Wind, to deal with... I've been defeated many times. Lost count of the times I've been knocked down... but, I've never ever been beaten.

...putting one foot in front of the other... one. more. time.

- Brian

Pure and Simple... El Nino is a Punk

The last three days... have sucked...and the next... I don't know how many... are predicted to be as lousy.

For those who wait all summer to revel in the winter wasteland... I suggest you seek professional care... and move to Finland, or maybe Norway. The folks there are equally twisted in their perceptions of the value and wonder of winter...

Just to say it plain and clear; Don't want any mis-understandings... I. HATE. Winter. I hate its guts and liver.

*The calm before the storm*

The weatherman said a "possibility", like 50% or so... of... RAIN showers...

*The Ponies are as grumpy as me...*

The sun tries to break out... and then another crystallized "Rain" shower curses the ground... grrrrrrrr....

Won't be no deck stone work today... or the next few I believe... Kinda gets in the way of working colts too... and those colts NEED to be worked as bad as I NEED to be workin' 'em.

This grumpy old buster is NOT a happy "camper"...

And then... the NOAA publishes their doctored up figures claiming that 2015 was the warmest on record thanks to an especially warm December... I read where they specifically named that "Warmer than usual" happening in the southwest...

Uh... really?

This warmest on record BS is blowing my energy budget all to hell... trying to stay warm...

Just Freezing on the desert from Global Warming...
-Brian

Hoof Beats and Disconnected Mental Meanderings

The life of a Cowboy is often a lonesome thing and being plain honest... it's purty much self inflicted. His sense of honor and just what he can tolerate, well, it's pretty impossible for him to negotiate such things. He's not perfect but he is what he is and he just ain't about to change that for anybody.

He figures if you want him to change who he is you don't care 'bout him anyway so... Adios!

Even amongst other folks he's got a way of holding himself apart and alone... or those other folks hold him away... because his way of seeing the world is so foreign to there own it makes them nervous. They just can't accept his unyielding ways and unwillingness to compromise.

He sees compromise as a phony deal with the devil where a lie is used as collateral to wheedle him out of what's right... by some slick talkin' townie.

Cowboys aren't what you might think of as "gentle" souls. They're more closely related to warriors than preachers. A lot of that comes from the rough and tumble world they grew up in. Fighting 1800# bulls or angry horned hereford mommas when all you're tryin' to do is doctor her baby isn't how you incubate sensitivity in a man.

But, they are still a bit of a paradox. That buster you think is a hard nosed prick will stun you with how gentle and tender he is with a calf or a colt; He'll risk hell and frostbite to save 'em and protect em...

Then he'll turn right around and grab the man by the collar who stepped the tiniest bit out of line when it comes to honor or respect... and whup on his hide till his own momma can't recognize him...

The only honesty they see comes from a cow or a horse... their experience with humanity is not something that's nurtured a lot of trust in their minds. 

They say cowboys are a dyin' breed. Might be so... but they been dyin' for a long damn time. My whole life and beyond... but as long as there's one sorry old cow... or one good colt to test his abilities... cowboys will survive. They'll be out there cussin' the wind and the dust. gripin' and grousin'... and softly caressing a fresh colt and trying to coax it to stand up and suck ...

Now understand this... that's not the fellas you see on espn... those are sure enough athletes... and they might wear big hats, and silver buckles...  but that fancy stitchin' on their back pockets... kinda gives 'em away.

A few of those boys might could cowboy...they're sure enough tough... but most are only good for eight seconds. They just don't hold up when the days with out a day off run into the triple digits... the dollars in the bank are... well... dollars in the bank???  and the only reward is to see that calf grow fat on summer grass.

You get the picture.

Most cowboys aren't so wordy as... ahem... some others. So getting to know them and how they see the world around 'em is sometimes a difficult thing to achieve. And even if you do... the onliest one you've learnt is THAT one... cuz each and ever' one of 'em, though they carry the same heritage... they're all so individual that you just can't catch 'em up in a single loop.

Some have even gone and hidden amongst the townies for a while. They put on shirts with lil' alligators on the chest... and I saw a few in plaid shorts one time... but... deep inside... in those places they hold apart and alone... They are cowboy and they curse the day they let themselves be talked away from the only life that ever soothed their souls.

It's been said before by others and said by me, but it still is the gospel truth... there's nothing finer than riding a fine horse into new country.

The only thing that soothes that battered soul of a cowboy barely hangin' on... is the spirit that lives within' horsehide.

*Range cows in the dust at sunset*

*My Ponies with sunset over the Dragoons*

*The look that fills a Cowboy's Soul*

The purest spirit can be seen... in the Eyes of a Horse...

When your heart is sore and you think it'll break... you're chokin' on life... if you walk out to your pens and just quietly gaze into the eyes of your horses... the pain starts to fade. You wrap your arms around a neck and the tears wash the dust away.

- Brian